Celebration of Life ...

Where has the past 7 months go to ?

2010-01-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

The last entry was in May 2009, what happened in the past 7 months ? Has it been frutiful and did I accomplished alot or was it just a series of activities after activites.

Time for reflection, to take stock of my life ... before 7 years fly by and I'm none the wiser.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life ...

2009-05-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life

Pastor Dom preached about pressing in and holding on to God's promises inspite of his silence, discouraging words and rejection. Opened a new book 'When God waits' and there on the second page was this verse again - 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life'.

God is good and has been 'active' in helping me grow in areas of family, friends and work but the relationship area of my life has been like a desert - stripped of life for the past few years. My soul sighs whenever it's baby dedication service or whenever I hold a baby close in my arms when serving in nursury.

It sure doesn't seem like a hard thing starting a family for the billions world-wide. Moreover, I'm not fugly, am easy-to-get along and can even be humorous on a good day. So why am excluded from this 'rite-of-passage' of life and left feeling incomplete?

I've heard many great testimonies and had my fair share of 'don't worry, you will find someone one day'. However, with age catching up and my 'godly man' nowhere in sight, I can't help but ask God ... will I ever have the chance to hold my newborn close, plant a kiss on his forehead as my husband gently put his arms around us?

Polishing ...

2009-04-07T07:59:00.001-07:00

Have not found any lunch buddy since I started work three weeks ago. This is a first. Anyways, since I don't like the idea of lunching alone, I have been spending the one hour doing time alone with God (TWAG). The first few times, I indulged in 'oh so poor thing, no one to lunch with' thoughts but now, I'm looking forward to that one hour and thankful that I have such a nice, comfy corner at work to do TWAG. I'm sure I'll get a lunch buddy eventually, but till then...it feels as if God is determined to spend time with me, to build me up before releasing me into this new season of trials. (Ephesians 6:14- Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist ...)

As Good Friday approaches, I can't help feeling thankful. That a young man (Jesus), at his prime, will give up his life for me ... a scapegoat for my sins. He loved me unconditionally even before I know him .... how beautiful is that? (1 John 4:19 - We love because he first loved us.)

I've been worried since I took on my new job due to the high expectations and various other issues. The repeat message I kept getting from various sources was - Look back at your life, have God ever failed you? (Matthew 14:31- Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?")

Never. God might have put me through trials but he never ever left me though it sure feels that way when I was at rock bottom. However, it's always at that point when I'm force to look to Him and say ... I surrender, your will be done. Yes, my God is a loving God but it's also because of that that he permits trials for me to grow or return to the path I've strayed away from. (Rev 3:19- Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline)

When I took up my previous job, I was feeling inadequate and I questioned God why. Why do I have to humble myself and beg people for guidance? Why do I have to stand in front of close to hundred participants to present a topic I'm not familiar with? I cried initially wondering if I could but God remained faithful and sent his angels, unexpected help, every single time. Through this experience, I learnt to be teachable and also have no qualms speaking in front of crowds.

The struggles finally made sense during my missions trip to India last year. During the first two days, my teammates were respectively called to share their testimonies in front of various groups. 'Pick me Pastor Kenny ...pick me!!', I'll hope every time but it never happen. I wanted to confront him and demand to share but God told me to wait. Finally, I was assigned to share at a village rally. At that moment, standing on a make-shift stage in front of close to two hundred people, the pieces fell into place and the struggles I've went through in my job made sense, this is what God was preparing me for. I felt like a piece of gem that have been polished by the trials and now I'm ready, ready to shine for God's glory. Another lesson I walked away was not to 'limit' God, I will be contented to share in front of a small group but he had hundreds in mind. (Isaiah 55:9 -As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.)

With that in mind, though I'm struggling in my job now, I know God will eventually use whatever skills I've acquired. Who knows, it might be organising the largest church prayer conference in Singapore or to be a missionary in China. No matter what, I just have to bear in mind that I'm serving the Lord and not man. (Colossians 3:23-Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men)

So, remember not to 'box' God up. Obey and let Him use you for his full glory. Afterall, we've been redeemed by His blood. So, next time you stretch out your hands to worship Him, make it your way of telling Him ... I surrender all ...

'My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you— I, whom you have redeemed' -Psalm 71:23

Jesus Wept

2009-03-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

'Jesus wept' - this is the shortest verse in the bible - John 11:35

He went through so much, 40 days temptation/ harsh words/ demanding & doubting followers, without shedding a tear but when he saw his loved ones cry, he wept ...

Seeing God in all situations ...

2009-03-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

It was a good day, I was happy I could bring my nephew to DL again and he had fun. It was a good day till my mom picked us up from church and on our way to lunch, our car ran over the foot of a pedestrian.

We were on a narrow street and there was a family of four (father, mom, sons) walking along the roadsides ... both sides could have argued their case and heated words could have been exchanged. So, I braced myself and stepped out of the car. He was visibly angry at first but instead of spewing vulgarities, he regained his composure and calmly said,' It's ok, let me sit down for a second first.' When we offered to send him to the clinic, he declined and said he will just iced it at church first. His wife was more concerned about his foot rather than accusing us of causing the injury and the teenagers were simply 'nonchalant'.

'Does this happen to him often?' I wondered. How can he be so calm, cool and collected when a car just ran over his foot?! We drove him to his church and passed him our contacts.

My mom was shaken and my dad was angry when we told him about it at home. Sitting between the two of them, in the midst of their argument, I was upset as this wouldn't have happened if I haven't brought my nephew to church, if I haven't sign up for Tenet class in the afternoon. A millions of 'if I haven't' raced across my mind. Why now? Why now when my shoulders are already burdened and I was doing something 'good' and definitely his will..so why?

After wallowing in self-pity, I took a step back and asked myself, where is this Mel who was worshipping God in church an hour earlier, who was moved by Psalm 121, who wrote on her blog that she will sing no matter what. Where is she in all this?

It's so easy to miss God, isn't it? God's goodness and grace is present in all instances, it must be and I refuse to believe otherwise.

Psalm 121 - 'Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber.'

*Soliciting prayer for the injured man - His name is Jacob and it's his left foot. Praying for healing and no long term injury. Thanks!*

I will sing ...

2009-03-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

In 1Kings 17, Elijah's faith was tested at different level. It was at first basic impossible (believing that he will be fed by ravens), then intermediate impossible (that a random starving widow will provide him with food), then supernatural impossible (bring a dead boy back to life).

My walk with God feels like a computer game. When I've cleared level 1, God up the stake and brought on level 2 and so on. Each challenge either weaken or strengthen my faith. There have been instances where I backslide but He remained faithful. I'm trouble, worried (even though I know I shouldn't be) but also extremely thankful I have Him. This beautiful song will be my 'soundtrack' for this season.

'I will lift my eyes

In the darkest night

For I know my Savior lives

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing because You pick me up

Sing because You're there ...' - Chris Tomlin 'How can I keep from singing'

De feet has to touch the bottom of the pool at some point ?

2009-03-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.. my new job ... a couple of 'tsunami-size' shocks since I joined but I'm taking them in my stride ... my feet will touch the bottom of the pool at some point ... right ?

Ha ... I guess God was not kidding when he says that this will be tough but it is His will afterall so ... just suck it up and do it la. On the bright side, I guess I'm learning how to run a company on someone elses' expense. Plus it's only when stretched can one know how much potential there really is ... so perhaps there's a hidden sales person, accountant, web-designer and marketeer and excel guru in me somewhere ... never try, never know.

When I went to india, we prepared some 'props' - 5 loaves, 2 fishes ... stuck them on my cubicle to remind myself to just give God what I have and he will multiply them for his glory... so, I'm buckling up and getting ready for the ride! HANG ON !

It's getting crowded in Singapore ...

2009-03-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

Deciding where to eat on a Saturday evening is extremely challenging. Parking is a nightmare and everywhere is packed. Recession ? Honestly ?

The media do play up on the 'juicy' stuff and as I've taught so many times in the past, the things that interest them - Proximity, change, fascinating facts & figures, human interest, bad news. YES .. BAD NEWS SELLS!

Yes, people are losing their jobs and wages are being slashed BUT the way the media paints it, it's the end of the world! How about putting these on front page for a change - news of more people turning to religion, spending more time with their family, going back to school to pursue their passions etc. How about playing these up and injecting the much-needed optimism back into the society?

Why can't we look at this as a HUGE wake-up call to the whole world to spend their time on what really matters? It shows how money has became our 'God', we spent years slogging in the office, neglecting our faith, family and friends in order to accumulate wealth. Now that the wealth is gone, what is left? It's those things that have been neglected - faith, family and friends! Yes, bread-and-butter is a very real issue, I'm just saying we need to be mindful and constanly remind ourselves of what really matters ... know when to switch off the computer, push yourself away from the desk and walk out of the office ...

Helpless...

2009-03-12T07:31:00.000-07:00

Have been 'avoiding' reading a book on Amy Carmichael (mission in India for 56 years). Picked up the book four hours ago and finished it with tears in my eyes as parts of the book brought back memories of how little the orphans in India had and how helpless the team felt when all we could offer were a couple hours of laugh, hugs and prayers.

Her description of an orphanage she saw in 1905 is heartbreakingly similar to one we visited in 2008 -'Their overcrowded nurseries were simple enough, little more than mud-brick walls with thatched roofs. Furnishings were grass-mat beds and plain cupboards for the few belongings.' I prayed that the situation would improved by the next hundred years and no child will ever have to grow up in such conditions.

Another part where an abused girl plead -'Don't let me go back to the dark, please, Lord! Oh, let me live in the light!" bought flashbacks from a tsunami orphanage (a home for boys who lost their entire family). There was a young child, about 10 years old or so... who was praying so fervently that tears were streaming down his face. I will never know what he was praying for and how he is doing now, all I can do is pray that he's still living in the light ...

New Phone

2009-03-11T01:13:00.000-07:00

Went to the Singtel Shop wanting to buy a Gold Sony Ericsson phone and the sales person advised against it. I told him all I need is a phone with camera, WIFI and looks pretty. Hence ... the Nokia Ruby Red E63. Gorgeous phone !

This is my first photo

Closing of a chapter

2009-03-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

Rather hectic last day at work getting the necessary clearance and handing over of task. Ended up with only 10 mins to type a generic farewell e-mail to all before surrendering my computer access card. Spent a couple of hours doing my 'farewell' rounds and yes it's nice to know that my presence will be missed ... perhaps for a minute or two before people get swept up by the usual whirlwind of events.

Though a rather short stint lasting only sixteen months, I've grown and learnt alot in the area of humility and how one can accomplish any seemingly impossible tasks by starting with baby steps. Responses I'll always remember are 'be mission-focused', 'just suck it up and do it' and 'don't tell me your problem, I'm not your father'. Harsh but it did toughen me up somewhat.

Received a farewell message from my boss in the evening - 'You have helped me alot against all odds and I appreciate it. Take care when travelling to far, exotic places. You will be missed.' Finally, the pat on my back that I've yearned for .... the concluding paragraph for this chapter of my life ...

Power of Prayer

2009-03-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Pastor Keat was preaching about the power of prayer on saturday and how apt indeed. We were supposed to have a BBQ in the evening and it has been pouring since Friday. The storm intensified on Saturday and Tzang sent out an sms to all of us to pray at around 4 pm. I'm not sure how hard the others prayed but for me, it was simple. I told God, I need this 'break', a time of positive fellowship after a extremely turbulent week and I'm sure many of us can use that too.

When we stepped out of church at 6.30 pm, there was not a single drop of rain .

When night fell, the sky was filled with stars accompanied by the bright moon. So there I was ... sea breeze, 'somewhere over the rainbow' playing in the background, bubbles, laughters .... I can feel my soul heaved a sigh of relief during this pocket of much needed rest.
God is good ....

Somewhere over the rainbow (live) - Jason Castro

Assured ...

2009-03-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

After a whirlwind of unpredicatable events that came without any warning over the past four days ... I'm brought to my knees once again. I'm thankful I can rely on God for strength for one more day. My God is a faithful God, I'll do what I can and He'll do what I can't.

'Echoes of mercy, whispers of love' - Blessed Assurance

Blessed Assurance - Third Day

When do you say Goodbye ?

2009-03-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

Weekend in BKK was uneventful except for the massive weight gain of 2 kg from OD'ing on coconut milk that was in everything. The vibe of a country/place can really affect how one feel/behave. I was in a general bad mood from the horrendous traffic. When I met a friend for dinner on Friday after being stuck in custom and jam for 2.5 hr, I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to hang with. Guess that will be the first and last time I go on a 'date' in Bangkok or with him for that matter. Poor guy. Weekend was just an endless flurry of shopping, eating, massages. Ha ... typical eh.

It was good to be back in Singapore and we were on our way to dinner at T2 when we passed by the 'Intercom Booth', which is a tiny booth that lets you communicate with the people in the departure louge after they have checked in. Imagine the amount of tears being shed at this corner as people are made to part for various reasons and grasp those precious last few moments they have.

Though I don't think this intercom booth is relevant anymore with mobile phones being so rampant. Even after the person have left, he/she is not more than a sms or facebook message away. Xin commented that but with technology, you don't know when to say goodbye and as Drew Barrymore puts it 'now she has to be rejected by 7 different technologies' in the movie 'He's just not that into you'.

The line is blurred, isn't it? When do we say Goodbye? Should we part with the old-school 'this-is-the-last-time-we-will-ever-be-together passionate goodbye kiss' and have no contact ever or a modern 'lets keep in touch on facebook' and then let whatever was there die a natural death.

It's either going through it at one shot or spreading it out I guess. None is a better choice with the ideal being if no parting is required ...

BKK

2009-02-26T08:25:00.000-08:00

I have no clue what to expect over the weekend. Ha ... we have no itineraries, no plans ... just going to do whatever the four of us fancy.

Woohoo ! Bangkok !

Is this it ?

2009-02-25T04:21:00.000-08:00

Is this it, God ?

Over dinner last night, we were talking about death ... a spin-off from Y's unknown heart condition. If I drop dead tomorrow what will I regret? I think I've led a pretty fruitful life and I've been true to myself ... perhaps the only regret is not having my own child.

Is this it? Work, family, friends, church, gym, travel ... that's it? I mean it's all hunky dory but ... that's it ?

Oh well, maybe my weekend trip to BKK will give me some fresh revelations ...

Q: Why does sun ray changes color from dawn to dusk ? Yellowish at dawn, then white(?), then orangy at dusk. Hmmmm... why lei ?

Sweet Sad Song

2009-02-24T07:35:00.000-08:00

Lucky - Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat

Do you hear me,I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky
oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Sad because it's a song about being apart from the one you love. I love this bit - 'I'll put a flower in your hair' . Picture the beach, sea breeze, long hair flowing in the wind, guy gently brushes girl's hair behind ear and put a frangipani in her hair ... Yes, we all love the idea of being in love, don't we?

I was sharing with a colleague that I'm asking a friend along for a 'date' to minimise the chances of waking the butterflies in my stomach. Received a earful about what a silly idea that is and how if she is the one turning 30 next year, she will be desperately trying and not jeopardise it by doing what I do. Was quite upset with that statement that sounded like something one will utter in the 80s. Honestly, I rather not settle down than be with the wrong guy. Oh well... to each her own ... end of the day ... is it love (effort) we are pursuing or the idea of being in love (fluff) ?

Farewell party girl ...

2009-02-23T05:33:00.000-08:00

Recently, a colleague wrote me a note and she ended with 'keep partying' and another friend greeted me as 'party gal'. How strange as I have not stepped into a club since Nov and it was many months before that too. Didn't guess it will be such a hard image to shed.

Since five years ago, clubbing became a way of life and at one point, I was hitting the clubs 3 times a week. I had friends, superficial friends who were only bearable after downing a couple of shots and my idea of fun was being intoxicated and having every single thought was drowned by the loud music.

I realised I had a problem about a year ago but it was difficult to stop and I was suffering from 'withdrawal symptoms'. Stumbled into God's hands ... He picked me up ... stumbled again ... He picked me up again. It was a arduous process and I paid heavily each time I stumbled (as recently as November 08) but God restored me patiently time after time .... incoherent speech, mascara smeared by tears, stinking of tequila and cigarettes ... no complaints.

Hence, I can't help but pat myself on the back when a rather cute army captain asked me out for a drink last week and I replied 'Thanks for the invite but for anything involving alcohol ... you can count me out'. ALRIGHT! *Ding Ding Ding Ding*

Last Sat, I was at 'a pinch of salt' for dinner and there is a piano in the cafe. After dinner, one of my cell member started playing the piano and the rest of us gathered around and started singing. I had fun ... no shots required :)

'But you are a chosen people, ... , a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light' - 1 Peter 2:9-10

Story of the prodigal son

2009-02-22T07:26:00.000-08:00

The Return of the Prodigal Son (1773) by Pompeo Batoni Pompeo

Pastor John spent an hour talking about the story of the prodigal (recklessly extravagant) son today and it's fascinating how the same story interpreted by different pastors always bring fresh insights. You can read it in Luke 15:11-32. First time I heard the story, I thought, okay, that's nice but I did not fully appreciate the depth of this Father's love till today. Almost identical to my own story ... well... that will be for another day.

Leaving you with an extract from Max Lucado's 'Everyday deserve a chance':

'God runs when he sees the son coming home from the pig trough. When the addict steps out of the alley. When the teen walks away from the party. When the ladder-climbing executive pushes back from the desk ...

When prodigals trudge up the path, God can't sit still. Heaven's throne room echoes with the sound of slapping sandals and pounding feet, and angels watch in silence as God embaraces his child.

You turn toward God, and he runs toward you.'

'22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.'-Luke 15:22-24

It's a new season ...

2009-02-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, a new blog again. This is my 5th blog and I love the colour and simple layout. It's 'brighter' and less complicated than previous blogs. Decided to start a new blog as this is a new season for me with a new job and a new level of intimacy with God.

As I embark on this new season with both a sense of anticipation and a tinge of uncertainty, I'm glad I have God to calm those nerves. It's like a foetus in it's mother's womb, there might be movements, there might be loud noises but the foetus is protected by this cushion of amniotic fluid. Ha, not exactly the prettiest analogy in the world but that is how it feels. I feel protected and know I will be as long as I remain in the boundary God has set. So, I'm not sure how future entries in 2009 will pan out but I guess that's the beauty of life, isn't it ...

Your Name - Paul Baloche